Wednesday, March 31, 2010

missed connection

i was peepin at craiglist missed connections to see if anyone i eyeballed while struttin at the mall or bojangles or while getting my tires rotated posted about me when i found this most beautiful little gem:

I saw you picking up your perks at cvs. It wasnt the first time I saw you...you work at Wings. I come in Wings all the time just to see you. You are such a hard worker, always on the phone with customers. One time I asked you where the plus size bathing suits were and you told me, " the fatter sizes are over here." The next time I came in with friends and you said, "If you have any questions, DONT ask." You had the biggest smile on your face. I guess you could say I dont take hints but Im an optimist and I feel in my gut that you have as much of an attraction to me as I do you and your moon boot. Just incase you need a refresher, I aways wear black. My hair is black, my clothes are black, and I always wear a black trench coat even in the summertime. I like to take strolls down dark alleys, fight drunk people, sneak into movies, and steal traffic signs. I sound tough but Im really a teddy bear with a big, black heart. Im a big time gambler and Im gambling on you. If your interested send me an email or Ill continue to shop at Wings.


bingo

Latrinalia Teaser

For Shannon Silva from joselyn mcdonald on Vimeo.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Bud Light Commercial Pitch by Dan Moore

Brilliant.

The First Draft of My New Bud Light Commercial.

BY DAN MOORE

- - - -
A man is walking around in the Sistine Chapel. He is a cool white guy, about thirty, who wears polo shirts and has cool hair and kind of a beard. His girl is hot but a total bitch. He's in the Sistine Chapel, looking up at the paintings and shit, and his girl is like, "Hey, look at the paintings! They're mankind's greatest achievements!"
And he says, "You know... you're right!" But he's really looking at his can of crisp Bud Light. But the girl doesn't know that. And he keeps walking through the chapel, and she thinks she's gotten through to him but she hasn't at all.
This girl, she's constantly trying to get him to enjoy something other than Bud Light. She probably makes him go to pottery classes, which will make for another hilarious Bud Light commercial where he makes a beer cozy on the pottery wheel to keep his Bud Light cool and delicious, even though she wants him to make some kind of love vase.
So, anyway, the next scene they're at a restaurant, and she's like, "Come on, try this European beer with me—we're not in Italy every day!"
So our guy says, "Yeah, sure, honey," but he calls one of his buddies, the black one, and this guy, dressed as some snooty waiter, secretly swaps the beers in the back room. So while his girl is struggling through this dark, syrupy mess and pretending to like it as some kind of "couples" thing, he's knocking back another party-starting Bud Light, served at the peak of its freshness in a five-star Italian restaurant full of grade-A snobs.
Later they're in their hotel room, and the girl is in the shower, but she's taking forever. Like, ten, twenty minutes pass, and the room's getting really steamy, even though she has the door closed, and our guy's cool Bud Light is best drunk at the peak of freshness, not steamed because this girl is freaking out about not bringing antiperspirant along to Italy, where it gets pretty hot.
So the guy just says, "Hey, you want my beer to be warm? Well, you know, this would make it even warmer." And he sets the hotel room on fire. But European hotels aren't up to code like ours are, and the fire spreads from the carpet to the curtains and up the walls, traveling along the hotel's dated wiring. And the girl can't hear, because she just will not get out of the shower, so he runs out of the building and he's just distraught, because she might burn alive in there, and they've already started saving money together and going on trips to Italy. Out on the sidewalk he finally watches her come down the back fire escape in her girly slippers, looking pissed at him, like she always has lately.
Suddenly he realizes his behavior is sociopathic, that he's fixated on alcohol just like his father—that Bud Light is less a drink to him now than a totem. But there's this funny Italian guy on the street, one of the ones with the dancing monkeys, who sells drinks, and he orders a Bud Light, and the feeling here should be, like, finally, there's some drinkability in this un-refreshing world. Finally.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I haven't been blogging lately

because I'm unpredictable and bad to the bone.


erin coffin and I are headed to Austin at 4 in the morning tomorrow. i don't care.everything is wonderful. We ate cookies and drank martinis with her family. She has an shiba inu. oh and i had mcDonalds and a toaster struedel. The weather is perfect and i'm not in Wilmington.

all is well.

i'm taking scotch tape and coloring it with markers to make multicolored flashes. if my little experiment works, then my camera should funtion like the $70 ivan coloursplash camera by Lomography it's sick !!!@!!! but who has $70 in this day in age. not me. but seriously, not me, but whatever you bourgeoisie with your bourgeoisie cameras.

i really want to make a cake in the shape of an animal or dinosaur for somebody soon. who has a birthday coming up soon other than L. Ron Hubbard in two days? Party people say yeah. if you're from the ninth galaxy Scapidico and worship moneys SAY YEAAH. This is the cake I make annually for L. Ronald.




I heard all movies made in 2010 will suck because Avatar siphoned all the moneys for ever film. I don't really care at all because I don't get time to go to the movies anymore. Except Recession Tuesdays at CARMIKE DOLLAR POPCORN AND DRINKS. But I don't have time to see the movies like I said so I just go and eat the popcorn and cry beneath the Wolfman poster.

life is crazy but im getting a cabin in boone soon to do some serious writing and hot tubbing and thesaurusing all at the same time.

i'm going to eat a lot of ice cream in Austin and maybe some socializing, but mostly eating icecream.

My mom grows wheat so I'm going to quickly say in casual conversation that my mom love "wheat" and grows "wheat" people will think I said weed and that I must have had an "alternative childhood" and that will make me seem more awesome.

i want to do roller derby, but I don't want to mess up my face because listen it's the money maker and i'm no good at day trading like I thought I would be.

I bought something...i got distracted by the realization that Zoey Deschanel sings in every loving movie that she has been in. We get it Zoey. You are have great bangs and good pipes. Time to challenge yourself play a serial killer or a gay sea captain.

I wish I could take a road trip across america in the 1960's. I bet you could really get your hands on some good pie back then and neon was in abundance.