Friday, September 24, 2010

Are You A Bad Parent? Halloween Edition.

Halloween was created for two reasons:

1. To eat your child's candy. By not paying for it, you can avoid guilt fatties.
2. To identify which parents are unworthy of reproductive sex organs.


So PARENTS This Halloween try not to fail your child for life by putting them in a costume that allows the world to know you are a horrible horrible parent by avoiding the following: 

1. Using Your Child as an Accessory Costume.


See how this child is looking to it's mother for help. Stop stealing your child's identity and candy this Halloween.

2. Making your Daughter into anything provactive. Because hey guess what pedophiles also like... oh yeah its when you make your child look like a 4 year old slut mobile. Get a life. Just because your daughter is skinny doesn't mean you should take advantage of it while you can. Not everyone is destined for cankles Tiffany.

This isn't even provocative as much as badly accessorized. Get some taste. NEXT.

3. Putting your small child into a horrifically scary costume.
Oh and yeah I could see that maybe Timmy out there is all like Mommy please let me be a demon monster. But no your child did not ask to be the Scream character. Either you wanted him to be this because this happened to be the movie he was conceived to while your parents weren't home, OR this costume was half off because it was so dated, but either way YA TACKY ok. Get a relevant scary costume at least.

Oh ok I get it. At least this costume allows you to squirt blood from your eyes. Nice. So does Ebola. Be sympathetic and GET A LIFE!

These are some temptations and expectations that a parent might encounter:

If you are tempted to put your child in the Pinhead costume please remember the following:
Pinhead is the leader of the cenobites, formerly human creatures from an extradimensional realm who travel to Earth through the Lament Configuration, and harvest human souls. Also, remember that this movie came out in 1987. Get a DVD player and watch something relevant. NEXT.


If you are tempted to put your child in the Ghostly Gent costume then you need to realize that you had a son and quit trying to get him to watch The L Word with you. If your child requests to wear the Ghostly Gent costume ....... NEXT.

If you are tempted to put your child in some sort of camouflage outfit, just know you are setting your child up for a life of hoarding and MREs. Oh Timmy's making a bunker again. HAHAHAHa. Your kid is a lunatic. NEXT.


If you are tempted to let your TWEEN wear this outfit then you are definitely in for MAJOR TROUBLE. And if you want me to be specific that Major Sort of Trouble will be a grandchild by Spring. Don't do it. NEXT.

 Oh and if Black Booty Shorts are recommended to COMPLETE THE LOOK - automatic NO. Your child is going as Major Nun this year. NEXT.

If you are tempted to allow your child to be the Zombie Doctor Costume, just know that impersonating a doctor is a serious offense and impersonating a Zombie Doctor is seriously lame. So no I'm sorry let's respect the zombies that worked their way through 6 years of medical training while feasting on the flesh of the undead and just say NEXT to this one.


If you are tempted to make your child look like a gothic fairy, go for it. Just know that the person she will be cutting when she sees the photographs later in life might be you and not herself. Cutting hurts don't do it! NEXT.
 
Oh great more blood from the eyes. Just what we need in a recession.

Plus the kid has distressed jeans on. I don't know what is more upsetting.
Oh and one quick thing, two words that don't belong together are Fishnets and Girl. It is like how David Hasselhoff and Talent don't belong together. A universally accepted thing.



WINNERS CIRCLE
 
OH HEY BY THE WAY THIS IS BEST COSTUME ON EARTH. WINNEREST WINNER! NOM NOM. 
 
This kid wins because not only are Peeps NOT RELEVANT in the Fall but she pulls it off. Also, I'm pretty sure she tapped danced the entire day of the shoot and has a stage mom. TADA! WINNER! 
 
This kid wins because he is giving me the thumbs up and I saw a lot of pretty scary stuff on this Halloween costume website and I needed this.  He also wins because I have not freaking clue what this demon angel Valentine's day costumes is going for. Complexity WINNER
 
This kid wins because beards are in and so is magic gay wizarding. THOU SHALL BUY THIS COSTUME! WINNER 
 
This one wins because it looks like one of these girls is a midget. I like how you can still be slutty friends even when one of you is a gigantic freak.  WINNERS

This little guy wins because his mommy can use this costume twice and thrifyness is respectable. Also, Pavlov conditioning has created a Salvation Army connotation to the ringing bell. Maybe people will give you change out of habit. SUPERThriftyWINNER

Friday, September 10, 2010

I got into Cucalorus

Yeah I did. And I got into Cucalorus too.
I made this short experimental documentary called Latrinalia.
It's about bathroom graffiti, my childhood, cave art, Pompeii, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, my dad, my mom, all of my friends, super 8mm, 16mm, Austin, Raleigh, Wilmington, My senior year of college, all the lovers I've had, all the lovers I've wanted, animation, and getting by with the help of my friends.
I've always found that trying to convert people in a bathroom stall would result in an unsavory group of followers.

This reminds me of Eminem, sooo angry.


true 



Jersey Slore

Apparently the kids are using the word Slore, meaning slut and whore SMOOSHED together. 

This leads me to ask what other words kids will be coming up with in the near future. I just graduated and my sister goes to boarding school which means that I am out of the loop. Soon I'm going to be called a name that I don't even understand. Thank god I got the leg up on Slore. I'm sure that one will get thrown at me one day - of course it will be unfounded. 

I'm going to attempt to guess some future curse words in order to have the leg up on these preteens and generation AA'ers. Yeah, I see you kids in your double strollers abound in Chicago parks and I know one day you will ridicule me and my inability to distinguish two popular social media networks from one another OR for asking if you like Indie rock OR for texting too slow OR for using a antiquated phrase like "whatever." 

Possible future cusswords:
*fuckatron
*shitstreaming
*dick.com

I ran out of steam with dick.com